Thursday, June 3, 2010

Princess Sha Pell & The Evil Queen . . .




















This is a work of pure fiction. Any reference to characters dead or living is purely co-incidental, but if any pollies recognise themselves, could they please call the police immediately, and then ask them to throw away the key . . .

Once long, long ago there lived evil Queen Anner Lie, in the Kingdom of Crimsland, Pitiful one day, benter the next. Queen Anner Lie lived in the lap of luxury.

But in a far away tower, reeking of sewage and over run with rats, lay beautiful Princess Sha Pell, shackled and bound for a crime she did not commit. The Evil Queen knew the sweet Princess was innocent, but it didn't make any difference. You see, the Evil Queen was on a very fat payroll, with lots of fringe benefits, and she knew if she dobbed in the real crims, they might take away her opulent lifestyle. Best to shut up, though the wily old bitch did have the sense to make the odd sympathetic comment from time to time. Like it was really time for Princess Sha Pell to come home, and get banged up in the Kingdom of Crimsland instead.

Luckily though, there was stubborn old grannie in the Kingdom who didn't much like what she saw. She reported the real culprits to Police Commissioner Robber Hand-In-Bum. But Robber Hand-In-Bum was as useless as tits on a bull, because he liked life's little luxuries as well. Bugger, what now? Onwards and upwards, she wasn't one to shut up.

Next stop, the Crimsland Crap and Missed Con Ducked Commission. It was their job to pull Police Commissioner Robber Hand-In-Bum into line, and tell him to do his job right. But horror of horrors, their boss Mr. Mines-A-Sham, was deeply indebted to the same crooked crowd, and told the angry old grannie to get lost. Grrrrrr.

Still this was urgent, the beautiful princess was very, very sick and might not survive. Time to get serious. She reported Mr. Mines-A-Sham to the Parliament of Crimsland. They had something called The Crimsland Parliamentary Crap and Missed Con Ducked Committee (CPCMCDC), who were supposed to keep an eye on Mr. Mines-A-Sham. It was then the angry old grannie discovered something very, very curious. This mob wasn't human, they were the undead, who survived by sucking blood from innocent serfs, then scuttling into the dark when they were full. They even had code names for this weird stuff, "Taxation" (blood) and "Standing Orders" (the dark).

The angry old grannie was ordered not to tell anyone she'd actually complained to the CPCMCDC, because if she did, those nasty old vampires said they'd suck her dry too. They could only do their "Job" by Moonlight. The bright light of day would crumble them to dust, just a few seconds after it exposed their cushioned and corrupt backsides to the World.

Meanwhile, the Princess Sha Pell lay desperately ill and dying in the rat-infested tower. But all was not lost. The angry old granny knew lots and lots of very good and honest people were just as pissed off as she was, and very soon, the villagers would take revenge on the blood suckers . . .

Next episode coming soon . . .