Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Schapelle Corby - Matthew Moore, Sydney Morning Herald Journalist, Away with the Fairies


Matthew, I've got a few hundred fairies dancing in a circle at the bottom of my garden, if I call you up anonymously a few times, will you write about them? Anyway, here's a spoof I'm sure Matthew (and some other Sydney Morning Herald staffers), will recognise immediately. Enjoy.

Perhaps the most compelling reason so many Australians believe in common sense is obvious: why wouldn’t you?

While common sense might seem freely available, some, including those serving time in the local lunatic asylum, say that believing in it risky because you might wake up and find yourself in the real World.

For that reason, lunatics are prepared to pay premium prices for complete crap if they can get it from other lunatics, as this is the best way to ensure they stay away with the fairies at the bottom of their garden.

According to four asylum sources contacted by the Herald, including one former and one current lunatic, high-quality Australian crap, similar to that found in The Sydney Morning Herald, has been sold on a limited basis in the asylum for years, but only to lunatics.

One insane man, now in a straight jacket for possessing crap, said he knew of several lunatics who had been bringing strong Sydney Morning Herald crap into the asylum for years.

He said it brought "really good money", fetching about 50 per cent more than the Daily Telegraph crap that is more widely available for about 2 cents a paragraph on the wards.

He said the SMH crap was stronger than the Telegraph crap. "You just can't move, it's like brain dead," he said of its effect.

A lunatic who says he has lived in the asylum for 15 years contacted the Herald several times to say his children were often offered crap called "SMH Gold". The man, who refused to give his name, said the "premium print" from Australia sold for 6 cents a page or as much as 20 cents an edition.

Top-quality crap in Australia sells for about 4 cents a page although more when broken into smaller amounts.

An asylum crap dealer, who had spent some time in a straight jacket, said he had read the Australian "crap" many times, as had friends from Italy, Germany and Australia but he had never bought or sold any.

He recognised the crap as Australian as it was made up of large words, while the crap he sold, from Aceh in north Sumatra or from Malang in east Java, had much smaller words and a lot of pictures mixed in.

Despite requests from lawyers, asylum staff did not read the crap in the new inmate’s bag to find out where it was printed, or how bizarre it was. It is not certain if it was printed by corrupt journos, a method that increases its potency.

But when the bag of crap was displayed in the courtyard, it was clear it was made up of words the size of large dollar signs which emitted a powerful charisma whenever the plastic bag was opened.

While crap in the 1970s had bullshit (active ingredient) levels of between 1 per cent and 2 per cent, today's crap often had levels of 15 per cent - higher than Walt Disney.

The asylum crap dealer, who would not be named, said while there was a lot of crap for sale "it's hard for outsiders to get access to it" because they were so fearful of getting caught.

"It's safer for outsiders to bring their own. It's been happening for quite some time and it's not only “SMH Gold."

While he was aware of the importation of crap from Australia, he said it was more common for new inmates to bring in Hans Christian Anderson or Star Trek.